Mental Associations

What I have learned from human reaction and relationships, (with friends, colleagues, and also with potential mates), is that many times the experience and behavior will repeat itself. My last blog explained a situation that had rendered me in a feeling dissapointment and heartbreak. I sent a few tactfully honest angry text messages, and made my point, then deleted the address entry. We all deal with situations that have this outcome, and some people don't allow their feelings to be affected, or they have become very accustomed to not allowing feelings. Habit and familiarity compromise our ability to recognize when our mental stability is being threatened.

I myself, have persistently attempted, to not allow my feelings to surface, throughout my life. I have ran in the bathroom and cried, at school, at work, at parties, and at home. I have held the lump in my throat in the car on the way home, or my anger in my gut, burning my esophagus to the point where I needed heartburn medication. I have screamed and cried into my pillow at bedtime so my son wouldn't hear. It is perfectly normal to get out the anger and feelings of discomfort and pain, so you can take a deep breath and return to mental stability. I have zero tolerance, you give me a bad feeling, you get a goodbye, the older I have become, the less vague the words.

It could be a friend, a date, a job, or any situation, regardless of the details of the predicament, the hurt hinders our conscious of being at ease or "safe," if you will. This feeling of fear and uncertainty can be referred to as a "negative association," or what most have called "gut instinct." It reminds us of something in the past that created discomfort and inhibits us of a feeling complete joy about the particular experience we are trying to focus on.

The main issue with my life has become, that after a certain amount of uncomfortable behavior or unpredictable circumstances are repeated , it is difficult to become resilient and immune to the reactions and feelings associated with the situation. Regardless of our expectations, we are subconsciously anticipating a specific feeling due to the outcome and feeling of the past.

Fear of the unknown, gives us that feeling in our stomach. Uncertainty and unpredictability, which is a bit contradicting considering it is unmistakably redundant. If it has happened so many times in the past, in is inevitable it will happen again. We presume it is going to happen, we just are unsure of when, and hoping it will not. For an example, in many instances men I have just met or began dating make statements to me such this:

" I am different, not like other guys, I've always wanted to meet a girl like you, I can't believe a woman like you is not married, we are going to have so much fun together dating in the future, what are you doing tomorrow night?"

After those words of swooning, I feel in my heart...

"wow, that is the sweetest and most believable thing any man has ever said to me and I know regardless of my decisions and behavior from here on...he will treat me like a princess, he even called me his princess."

Meanwhile my head and gut are thinking ...

"come on you gullible romantic idiot, how much wine have you had tonight,? almost every man you met has said this to you and made many promises and not one of them has kept any."

I knew in my gut it was a line of crap, a line to get me in the sack, a redundant, reoccurring pick-up line that I have heard so many times, I do not know if I've ever heard anything else that was intentionally convincing, after that. Normally, regardless of whether I am intimate with them or not, I never hear from them again.

Why do we put ourselves in the situation again? Is it because it takes so long for us to realize what fear is or that it is even fear that we are feeling? Do we perhaps mistake it for excitement? Maybe we are hoping for the behavior to change for the positive and that the experiences we have had that are just that, will be enough to get us through the negative.

After all, it is hope and faith that keep us going, the longing for love and satisfaction. However, it is the experiences that are not so positive, the situations that really hurt, that teach us lessons. They inevitably help us understand, and most definitely give us insight, of the future.

The key to the success of positive social change, is recognizing the pattern and dealing with it in a way that creates productive change. In some instances, when change doesn't happen, the behavior or pattern is resistant and we have to make the decision to change ourselves by conforming, or save our true inner self, and leave. When I conform, my soul dies, I lose my true self, I become something I do not like, someone I do not know. At times I get so frustrated and wish I wouldn't always feel everything and maybe it would be easier, maybe if I didn't understand myself, I would expect less and be more easily satisfied. A few years ago, I had asked a woman whom had been married for 30 years, how she stayed so content when she was aware that her husband was maritally dishonest with her. She had obviously shared this with me after a prior interesting discussion of her marriage, and my "never marriage."

She then replied, "I just pretend it doesn't happen and that i do not know, that's what you have to do sometimes."

I have quit jobs, moved out of apartments, moved out of cities, stopped associating with certain people and places, to avoid these associations of negativity and unfavorable dejavoo. I have thrown away bottles of perfume, colored my hair, and rearranged my living space, to give me a sensation of diversion. I didn't realize why I was doing it and that it would have a beneficial outcome, until in the last 5 years. This is when I first began writing theoretically about relationships and human interaction ,those of which do also occur in institutions.

My mother use to tell me that I was running away from myself and I believed her, I felt as though I gave up too easily. Now I realize, I didn't give up on me, I gave up on the condition, and surrendering saved me, and more importantly, it saved my sanity, which protected my son.