I know I am here for a very significant reason, I just am not quite sure what it is yet. My son is the most obvious and guaranteed return on my investment here on earth, now as I know it. I always have known that my strong heart and mind would create something productive, and hopefully beneficial to society, it seems as though I am just taking quite awhile to figure it out. My emotional and unpredictable experiences that I thought were setting me back, I am sure now are necessary for growth and my ability to understand my purpose. I decided that if I can get my son through some of the most crucial years of his life, utilizing my experiences to help him understand his, writing about it, will undoubtedly be the anticipated bonus.
A few months ago I quit working for other people, I have spent over 15 years prior to that decision, with at least two jobs, much of the that time, I had three jobs, and was also in college. Sixty hours was an easy week for me, which included; work, college, studying, parenting, not sleeping. At times I felt like a robot that just kept going and going, like the energizer bunny. I once dated a man who told my best friend,
"Michelle is like the energizer bunny and could light the whole city of Fargo during a power outage."
I took it as a compliment and it helped me realize from that point on, my mass insanity had a purpose and was being seen as a positive attribute. My endless ambition , has been referred to by others as "nervous energy," I disagree, when I am uneasy, I sit and bite my nails, how many people do you know; cook, clean, and dance around the house when they are nervous? There is no doubt that I have frustrations and possible anger that motivates me, regardless I cannot see a more productive way to channel my seemingly questionable energy.
Now that I work a lot less, write more, cook and clean more, and enjoy my son more, I am much happier. Problem with that, it doesn't pay the bills, positive side to it; I am here when something goes wrong in my son's life, to talk him through it. I use to get so many phone calls from the school during my work shifts, about my son walking out of class, which still does happen, only now he knows how to do it with respect and grace. when he comes home upset and unquestionably frustrated with a situation, I am here to talk, or able to text him through it. This is a generation of new troubles, different and special needs, unique circumstances at home, and most importantly, a generation in need of extreme patience and guidance. They are faced with an environment that values main stream standards and materialism, creating a barrier in learning moral and a higher need to teach balance.
When I worked two jobs, I didn't have much time for emotional and mental guidance. My son would call me when I was at work, I had a tone with him that was short and distracted. My work superiors would get upset with me, for taking his phone calls, even if they were on my cell phone, back where customers could not see. If by chance my superior wasn't there hovering over me, a colleague would eventually tell them, along with everything else wrong I did on my shift. This to me, seemed very unfair and petty, considering other employees spent much time on the business phone or cell phone with their families or husbands, many times of which the business phone was up at the reception or host area. Or in the break room, or in the break booth, or on smoke break. I have spent sixteen years, without a husband, without a smoke break, playing mother and father and superstar employee, with seemingly different individual expectations in the labor force. I am not paranoid, I am not judgemental, I am simply perceptive and observant, and I know when double standards are being practiced.
My son would always know when I was under tension and nervous at work. He would get very distant and upset on the phone or say, " mom why are you acting like this?" I didn't even know why or that I was at the time, but after a few years I figured it out and it I became complacent to rules. When I would go into the back to text me son, I would be followed by my superior and hear "what are you doing Michelle?" I learned to respond, "I am on my smoke break."
A few months ago I quit working for other people, I have spent over 15 years prior to that decision, with at least two jobs, much of the that time, I had three jobs, and was also in college. Sixty hours was an easy week for me, which included; work, college, studying, parenting, not sleeping. At times I felt like a robot that just kept going and going, like the energizer bunny. I once dated a man who told my best friend,
"Michelle is like the energizer bunny and could light the whole city of Fargo during a power outage."
I took it as a compliment and it helped me realize from that point on, my mass insanity had a purpose and was being seen as a positive attribute. My endless ambition , has been referred to by others as "nervous energy," I disagree, when I am uneasy, I sit and bite my nails, how many people do you know; cook, clean, and dance around the house when they are nervous? There is no doubt that I have frustrations and possible anger that motivates me, regardless I cannot see a more productive way to channel my seemingly questionable energy.
Now that I work a lot less, write more, cook and clean more, and enjoy my son more, I am much happier. Problem with that, it doesn't pay the bills, positive side to it; I am here when something goes wrong in my son's life, to talk him through it. I use to get so many phone calls from the school during my work shifts, about my son walking out of class, which still does happen, only now he knows how to do it with respect and grace. when he comes home upset and unquestionably frustrated with a situation, I am here to talk, or able to text him through it. This is a generation of new troubles, different and special needs, unique circumstances at home, and most importantly, a generation in need of extreme patience and guidance. They are faced with an environment that values main stream standards and materialism, creating a barrier in learning moral and a higher need to teach balance.
When I worked two jobs, I didn't have much time for emotional and mental guidance. My son would call me when I was at work, I had a tone with him that was short and distracted. My work superiors would get upset with me, for taking his phone calls, even if they were on my cell phone, back where customers could not see. If by chance my superior wasn't there hovering over me, a colleague would eventually tell them, along with everything else wrong I did on my shift. This to me, seemed very unfair and petty, considering other employees spent much time on the business phone or cell phone with their families or husbands, many times of which the business phone was up at the reception or host area. Or in the break room, or in the break booth, or on smoke break. I have spent sixteen years, without a husband, without a smoke break, playing mother and father and superstar employee, with seemingly different individual expectations in the labor force. I am not paranoid, I am not judgemental, I am simply perceptive and observant, and I know when double standards are being practiced.
My son would always know when I was under tension and nervous at work. He would get very distant and upset on the phone or say, " mom why are you acting like this?" I didn't even know why or that I was at the time, but after a few years I figured it out and it I became complacent to rules. When I would go into the back to text me son, I would be followed by my superior and hear "what are you doing Michelle?" I learned to respond, "I am on my smoke break."
I have always strived to teach my son to treat everyone how he wanted to be treated; to treat people with kindness and respect and to definitely not, under any circumstance, judge them. I stressed the importance of being unselfish and forgiving to everyone and not singling out anyone or judging them, despite of other's opinions and belief's of the individual. Most importantly, I have conditioned myself as I was stressing to teach my son, to treat everyone with the same standard, which is the one he held for himself.
For years of emphasizing the significance and value of these lessons, I was faced with a situation I was most relieved to be at home for; he came home upset and alone after school. All of his peers were going to a volleyball game after school, his girlfriend had even asked him to go, then she left him, when she had a ride and had invited him.
For years of emphasizing the significance and value of these lessons, I was faced with a situation I was most relieved to be at home for; he came home upset and alone after school. All of his peers were going to a volleyball game after school, his girlfriend had even asked him to go, then she left him, when she had a ride and had invited him.
I was very thankful to not have a job, to not be tired or emotionally hijacked from a job, which would have rendered me inpatient, and previously not been as attentively empathetic.
As he stormed in the door I sat, writing on the laptop and immediately stood up, sensing the pain and need for expression in his mannerisms. I went into his bedroom, knowing i was up for a challenge, and he then began to speak ( very loudly ,which is when I know it's going to be a long discussion that I might be lucky to get a word in),
" I don't get it, I don't understand it, you always teach me to be nice to people and keep my word, you always say that good things happen to people that are kind to others, that's not true, that's now how it works, it's about money and having a car and having other things that people want."
At this point I felt like a worthless parent; no car (no child support), no one to call for a ride, and obviously no escrow account, no money for a cab. You see, most of my friends are only around when it is convenient for both parties, because we are young, because we are learning and we have to be selfish. I had given up the job to be at home to save my sanity for situations such as this. So I took a deep breath, went into the bedroom and responded to my gorgeous, angry, disappointed son,
in the best verbage I could find (after my glass of red wine that probably actually made me more patient),
"Sometimes people don't realize what they are doing and their intentions are not to purposely leave you or hurt you. You have to learn to become self-sufficient in these situations, could you have rode the bus there? you know all the routes and maybe you should have , I'm sorry that we don't have a car and I cannot do some of these things for you, it's not your fault, there is not one particular individual to blame, it's just something that we have to deal with and learn to adjust to in time."
"Sometimes people don't realize what they are doing and their intentions are not to purposely leave you or hurt you. You have to learn to become self-sufficient in these situations, could you have rode the bus there? you know all the routes and maybe you should have , I'm sorry that we don't have a car and I cannot do some of these things for you, it's not your fault, there is not one particular individual to blame, it's just something that we have to deal with and learn to adjust to in time."
Over dinner I also explained, that we have to learn to expect the least, hope for the best, and that there are always going to be possibilities for plans to change, so having a backup plan is important. Being self-sufficient prepares you for the unknown, for the uncertainty, for the life of a single parent home. In turn, we will become less disappointed, because we have relied on only ourselves; which evolves self-sufficiency and a feeling of truly being content with being alone, able to handle most conditions.
I tried to explain to him that I stayed home quite a bit from events also and that many times I was happy that I had that time alone or with him. I explained that situations such us these are good motivation for us to work toward what we want, whether it be a job for a car, or different friends, that would keep their word. I also reminded him that there were more than likely a few times when he had left people out and things just inevitably happen, we don't even realize we are doing it, but we should learn from it. I was blessed that I grew up in a small town and that my friends in High School were all taught to keep their word and usually did. Therefore, I wasn't normally faced with this problem as an adolescent, as an adult however, I have been many times.
I have let my son down before, not intentionally, but I will admit it could have been avoided and also that majority of the times it was because of me being let down by someone else. I was depressed, tired from work, or disappointed myself. It has rendered me with a lack of motivation to function or to simply overcome my feelings and uncomfortable emotions.
The key is forgiveness, along with that, becoming reliant on ourselves. It will allow us to let go of the anger and possibly avoid it, for the better of our health and friendships. Raising our children to also do so, will direct us in a state of mind that verifies, we cannot control other people's behavior. This in turn, will allow us to live without fear, without resentment.
I tried to explain to him that I stayed home quite a bit from events also and that many times I was happy that I had that time alone or with him. I explained that situations such us these are good motivation for us to work toward what we want, whether it be a job for a car, or different friends, that would keep their word. I also reminded him that there were more than likely a few times when he had left people out and things just inevitably happen, we don't even realize we are doing it, but we should learn from it. I was blessed that I grew up in a small town and that my friends in High School were all taught to keep their word and usually did. Therefore, I wasn't normally faced with this problem as an adolescent, as an adult however, I have been many times.
I have let my son down before, not intentionally, but I will admit it could have been avoided and also that majority of the times it was because of me being let down by someone else. I was depressed, tired from work, or disappointed myself. It has rendered me with a lack of motivation to function or to simply overcome my feelings and uncomfortable emotions.
The key is forgiveness, along with that, becoming reliant on ourselves. It will allow us to let go of the anger and possibly avoid it, for the better of our health and friendships. Raising our children to also do so, will direct us in a state of mind that verifies, we cannot control other people's behavior. This in turn, will allow us to live without fear, without resentment.
The question, is wondering if the people that we associate with, are learning the same lessons. Does society have enough time to make sure that taking other people's feeling's into consideration are practiced? I would think with all the time we have to shop, eat out, watch reality television, and talk about it, we should. Especially, when it inadvertently predicts the behavior and mental health of our societies' future.
Michelle, the extra time you are spending with your son absolutely will not be wasted time. You see that already. I'm proud of you. I know it's a sacrifice to let go of that need to constantly be finding new ways to support the two of you, but it will happen, since your priorities are straight. He won't forget the change and how you've sacrificed...
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