Anger

Anger is something that many of us experience. Many of us are told to not be angry, that it is a waste of time, a waste of energy, an inhibition to our spiritual growth. I, on the other hand, have finally decided that I completely disagree. I have held in anger for so long, I would choke someone within reach if I didn't have carpal tunnel from doing every one's hair (for less than retail).

If Yoda were here he would speak to me and say ,

"Fear is the path that leads to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering."

However, this isn't Star Wars, I am not Princess Leia, who was graced to not only be a heiress, but impregnated by the best genes on all planets, who I might add, also had a somewhat questionable upbringing.

This is the United States of American and I have yet to see a Jedi Knight, so it's time to get angry and I don't give a shit what anyone thinks.

I have expressed my anger most recently, walking down main street after 3 glasses of wine on an empty stomach, telling off a patrol office. This landed me straight to the Drunk Tank; it was my first time. I am certainly positive that I wasn't much of a threat, but it made their night and apparently a great story for me. The black eye and banging on the steel door wasn't as much fun as the three glasses of wine, previously to that, in a public, non-confining environment.

I also have developed a great need for acid reflux medication, which is not a condition from genetics, it is a condition from our society's need to suppress your personality with anti-depressants and alcohol so you can keep your job. For some of you, it works for keeping your boyfriend or spouse, but I've never kept a boyfriend or a job, or had a spouse; mine is only to keep you interested.

I exercise plenty, just in case my Doctor reads this and decides to cut me off my medications, or lower my dose, the problems isn't my lack of motivation and healthy activity. My problems is that I've been too Bleeping nice for too Bleeping long, to the wrong Bleeping people.

In my quest for life, love and answers, I will no longer keep in my cynicism, my emotions, my honest opinion of you, so be careful, and be nice.

Political Dating

This is Patron reality, it isn't sugar coated conservatism with a lime, so get ready for a shot; without training wheels.



Dating is very risky, it is very scary, it is like going to a bar with twenty dollars, no ride home, and so 2/3 of that money ,is suppose to be used for your cab. Nice try, look out, for anyone and everything, to get in the way, including the man at the beer tubs who offers you one and opens it, as soon as you walk in. You take it, even though you hate beer, why,? because he's 20 something ,needed the sale and maybe you needed the confidence.




That was me in my twenties, now I bypass the 20 something year olds, and go straight for the above average gentlemen at the bar that actually have money and arent' taking mine. They are far more interesting, buying martinis, and not mearly 7 years older than my son.



Usually they are there ,as a stop on the way home and not to buy what it is someone would offer other than the drink, they go to the butcher for their meet, not the Value Meat Market. They are safe, they are funny, and if they start to get creepy, they usually won't follow when you get up to leave, because they need that energy to get home.



Once you get into your late 30's, you could care less about the bar unless it's the karoake bar, which makes for great foreplay or noplay prior to passout. At this age, the best dates, are dinner, movies, and home for a drink, because more than likely, one person will have a DUI and doesn't dare drink, drive, and hope for ass.



So as far as your dating goes, the more realistic and mature, the better. The man who shows no responsibility, probably has none and doesn't vote. Regardless of your party choice, always go with the educated, experienced, and giving. In the end, the vote doesn't count unless it's an open ballot.

Guiding A New Generation

I know I am here for a very significant reason, I just am not quite sure what it is yet. My son is the most obvious and guaranteed return on my investment here on earth, now as I know it. I always have known that my strong heart and mind would create something productive, and hopefully beneficial to society, it seems as though I am just taking quite awhile to figure it out. My emotional and unpredictable experiences that I thought were setting me back, I am sure now are necessary for growth and my ability to understand my purpose. I decided that if I can get my son through some of the most crucial years of his life, utilizing my experiences to help him understand his, writing about it, will undoubtedly be the anticipated bonus.


A few months ago I quit working for other people, I have spent over 15 years prior to that decision, with at least two jobs, much of the that time, I had three jobs, and was also in college. Sixty hours was an easy week for me, which included; work, college, studying, parenting, not sleeping. At times I felt like a robot that just kept going and going, like the energizer bunny. I once dated a man who told my best friend,

"Michelle is like the energizer bunny and could light the whole city of Fargo during a power outage."

I took it as a compliment and it helped me realize from that point on, my mass insanity had a purpose and was being seen as a positive attribute. My endless ambition , has been referred to by others as "nervous energy," I disagree, when I am uneasy, I sit and bite my nails, how many people do you know; cook, clean, and dance around the house when they are nervous? There is no doubt that I have frustrations and possible anger that motivates me, regardless I cannot see a more productive way to channel my seemingly questionable energy.

Now that I work a lot less, write more, cook and clean more, and enjoy my son more, I am much happier. Problem with that, it doesn't pay the bills, positive side to it; I am here when something goes wrong in my son's life, to talk him through it. I use to get so many phone calls from the school during my work shifts, about my son walking out of class, which still does happen, only now he knows how to do it with respect and grace. when he comes home upset and unquestionably frustrated with a situation, I am here to talk, or able to text him through it. This is a generation of new troubles, different and special needs, unique circumstances at home, and most importantly, a generation in need of extreme patience and guidance. They are faced with an environment that values main stream standards and materialism, creating a barrier in learning moral and a higher need to teach balance.

When I worked two jobs, I didn't have much time for emotional and mental guidance. My son would call me when I was at work, I had a tone with him that was short and distracted. My work superiors would get upset with me, for taking his phone calls, even if they were on my cell phone, back where customers could not see. If by chance my superior wasn't there hovering over me, a colleague would eventually tell them, along with everything else wrong I did on my shift. This to me, seemed very unfair and petty, considering other employees spent much time on the business phone or cell phone with their families or husbands, many times of which the business phone was up at the reception or host area. Or in the break room, or in the break booth, or on smoke break. I have spent sixteen years, without a husband, without a smoke break, playing mother and father and superstar employee, with seemingly different individual expectations in the labor force. I am not paranoid, I am not judgemental, I am simply perceptive and observant, and I know when double standards are being practiced.

My son would always know when I was under tension and nervous at work. He would get very distant and upset on the phone or say, " mom why are you acting like this?" I didn't even know why or that I was at the time, but after a few years I figured it out and it I became complacent to rules. When I would go into the back to text me son, I would be followed by my superior and hear "what are you doing Michelle?" I learned to respond, "I am on my smoke break."

I have always strived to teach my son to treat everyone how he wanted to be treated; to treat people with kindness and respect and to definitely not, under any circumstance, judge them. I stressed the importance of being unselfish and forgiving to everyone and not singling out anyone or judging them, despite of other's opinions and belief's of the individual. Most importantly, I have conditioned myself as I was stressing to teach my son, to treat everyone with the same standard, which is the one he held for himself.


For years of emphasizing the significance and value of these lessons, I was faced with a situation I was most relieved to be at home for; he came home upset and alone after school. All of his peers were going to a volleyball game after school, his girlfriend had even asked him to go, then she left him, when she had a ride and had invited him.

I was very thankful to not have a job, to not be tired or emotionally hijacked from a job, which would have rendered me inpatient, and previously not been as attentively empathetic.

As he stormed in the door I sat, writing on the laptop and immediately stood up, sensing the pain and need for expression in his mannerisms. I went into his bedroom, knowing i was up for a challenge, and he then began to speak ( very loudly ,which is when I know it's going to be a long discussion that I might be lucky to get a word in),

" I don't get it, I don't understand it, you always teach me to be nice to people and keep my word, you always say that good things happen to people that are kind to others, that's not true, that's now how it works, it's about money and having a car and having other things that people want."

At this point I felt like a worthless parent; no car (no child support), no one to call for a ride, and obviously no escrow account, no money for a cab. You see, most of my friends are only around when it is convenient for both parties, because we are young, because we are learning and we have to be selfish. I had given up the job to be at home to save my sanity for situations such as this. So I took a deep breath, went into the bedroom and responded to my gorgeous, angry, disappointed son,

in the best verbage I could find (after my glass of red wine that probably actually made me more patient),

"Sometimes people don't realize what they are doing and their intentions are not to purposely leave you or hurt you. You have to learn to become self-sufficient in these situations, could you have rode the bus there? you know all the routes and maybe you should have , I'm sorry that we don't have a car and I cannot do some of these things for you, it's not your fault, there is not one particular individual to blame, it's just something that we have to deal with and learn to adjust to in time."

Over dinner I also explained, that we have to learn to expect the least, hope for the best, and that there are always going to be possibilities for plans to change, so having a backup plan is important. Being self-sufficient prepares you for the unknown, for the uncertainty, for the life of a single parent home. In turn, we will become less disappointed, because we have relied on only ourselves; which evolves self-sufficiency and a feeling of truly being content with being alone, able to handle most conditions.

I tried to explain to him that I stayed home quite a bit from events also and that many times I was happy that I had that time alone or with him. I explained that situations such us these are good motivation for us to work toward what we want, whether it be a job for a car, or different friends, that would keep their word. I also reminded him that there were more than likely a few times when he had left people out and things just inevitably happen, we don't even realize we are doing it, but we should learn from it. I was blessed that I grew up in a small town and that my friends in High School were all taught to keep their word and usually did. Therefore, I wasn't normally faced with this problem as an adolescent, as an adult however, I have been many times.

I have let my son down before, not intentionally, but I will admit it could have been avoided and also that majority of the times it was because of me being let down by someone else. I was depressed, tired from work, or disappointed myself. It has rendered me with a lack of motivation to function or to simply overcome my feelings and uncomfortable emotions.

The key is forgiveness, along with that, becoming reliant on ourselves. It will allow us to let go of the anger and possibly avoid it, for the better of our health and friendships. Raising our children to also do so, will direct us in a state of mind that verifies, we cannot control other people's behavior. This in turn, will allow us to live without fear, without resentment.

The question, is wondering if the people that we associate with, are learning the same lessons. Does society have enough time to make sure that taking other people's feeling's into consideration are practiced? I would think with all the time we have to shop, eat out, watch reality television, and talk about it, we should. Especially, when it inadvertently predicts the behavior and mental health of our societies' future.

Mental Associations

What I have learned from human reaction and relationships, (with friends, colleagues, and also with potential mates), is that many times the experience and behavior will repeat itself. My last blog explained a situation that had rendered me in a feeling dissapointment and heartbreak. I sent a few tactfully honest angry text messages, and made my point, then deleted the address entry. We all deal with situations that have this outcome, and some people don't allow their feelings to be affected, or they have become very accustomed to not allowing feelings. Habit and familiarity compromise our ability to recognize when our mental stability is being threatened.

I myself, have persistently attempted, to not allow my feelings to surface, throughout my life. I have ran in the bathroom and cried, at school, at work, at parties, and at home. I have held the lump in my throat in the car on the way home, or my anger in my gut, burning my esophagus to the point where I needed heartburn medication. I have screamed and cried into my pillow at bedtime so my son wouldn't hear. It is perfectly normal to get out the anger and feelings of discomfort and pain, so you can take a deep breath and return to mental stability. I have zero tolerance, you give me a bad feeling, you get a goodbye, the older I have become, the less vague the words.

It could be a friend, a date, a job, or any situation, regardless of the details of the predicament, the hurt hinders our conscious of being at ease or "safe," if you will. This feeling of fear and uncertainty can be referred to as a "negative association," or what most have called "gut instinct." It reminds us of something in the past that created discomfort and inhibits us of a feeling complete joy about the particular experience we are trying to focus on.

The main issue with my life has become, that after a certain amount of uncomfortable behavior or unpredictable circumstances are repeated , it is difficult to become resilient and immune to the reactions and feelings associated with the situation. Regardless of our expectations, we are subconsciously anticipating a specific feeling due to the outcome and feeling of the past.

Fear of the unknown, gives us that feeling in our stomach. Uncertainty and unpredictability, which is a bit contradicting considering it is unmistakably redundant. If it has happened so many times in the past, in is inevitable it will happen again. We presume it is going to happen, we just are unsure of when, and hoping it will not. For an example, in many instances men I have just met or began dating make statements to me such this:

" I am different, not like other guys, I've always wanted to meet a girl like you, I can't believe a woman like you is not married, we are going to have so much fun together dating in the future, what are you doing tomorrow night?"

After those words of swooning, I feel in my heart...

"wow, that is the sweetest and most believable thing any man has ever said to me and I know regardless of my decisions and behavior from here on...he will treat me like a princess, he even called me his princess."

Meanwhile my head and gut are thinking ...

"come on you gullible romantic idiot, how much wine have you had tonight,? almost every man you met has said this to you and made many promises and not one of them has kept any."

I knew in my gut it was a line of crap, a line to get me in the sack, a redundant, reoccurring pick-up line that I have heard so many times, I do not know if I've ever heard anything else that was intentionally convincing, after that. Normally, regardless of whether I am intimate with them or not, I never hear from them again.

Why do we put ourselves in the situation again? Is it because it takes so long for us to realize what fear is or that it is even fear that we are feeling? Do we perhaps mistake it for excitement? Maybe we are hoping for the behavior to change for the positive and that the experiences we have had that are just that, will be enough to get us through the negative.

After all, it is hope and faith that keep us going, the longing for love and satisfaction. However, it is the experiences that are not so positive, the situations that really hurt, that teach us lessons. They inevitably help us understand, and most definitely give us insight, of the future.

The key to the success of positive social change, is recognizing the pattern and dealing with it in a way that creates productive change. In some instances, when change doesn't happen, the behavior or pattern is resistant and we have to make the decision to change ourselves by conforming, or save our true inner self, and leave. When I conform, my soul dies, I lose my true self, I become something I do not like, someone I do not know. At times I get so frustrated and wish I wouldn't always feel everything and maybe it would be easier, maybe if I didn't understand myself, I would expect less and be more easily satisfied. A few years ago, I had asked a woman whom had been married for 30 years, how she stayed so content when she was aware that her husband was maritally dishonest with her. She had obviously shared this with me after a prior interesting discussion of her marriage, and my "never marriage."

She then replied, "I just pretend it doesn't happen and that i do not know, that's what you have to do sometimes."

I have quit jobs, moved out of apartments, moved out of cities, stopped associating with certain people and places, to avoid these associations of negativity and unfavorable dejavoo. I have thrown away bottles of perfume, colored my hair, and rearranged my living space, to give me a sensation of diversion. I didn't realize why I was doing it and that it would have a beneficial outcome, until in the last 5 years. This is when I first began writing theoretically about relationships and human interaction ,those of which do also occur in institutions.

My mother use to tell me that I was running away from myself and I believed her, I felt as though I gave up too easily. Now I realize, I didn't give up on me, I gave up on the condition, and surrendering saved me, and more importantly, it saved my sanity, which protected my son.

The First Blog

I have a lot of writing, but this is the first blog so here goes... I decided to create this blog about music and its relevance to relationships and dating. I recently attempted to date, again, and ended up once again a bit angry and heart broken. It's been a couple of weeks and I am finally healed, wow it use to take a lot longer I should be thankful.

Yesterday I was sick ,had other woman issues and had spent the previous night text messaging anger to my recent "bad romance." This is the name I gave the situation due to it's timing of Lady Gaga's "bad romance," video, which was on this mornig when I woke up, at which point all my feelings finally were gathered in my mind.

The disappointments, the anger and frustration, they all can be explained in her song, I am once again volunteering to participate and also displaying behavior of "monsters," in my dating cycle. All the experiences I've had, and my dates I have had, come out in my current dating and relationships.

It is not intentional for us to do this to each other, to bring our damage and fears to another relationship, it just happens. It is an indirect, unintentional action that can only be controlled if we realize we are doing it, and work on changing our behavior.

The biggest issue I have with recovering from these instances, although I am taking part of the responsibility, is that I don't think the men understand that when you are a single parent, no matter how much you attempt to be unaffected, you bring those emotions home with you. I am trying to raise a young man without negativity or excessive dissapointment, and the last thing I want, is for him to see me with a broken heart, over and over.

But, on the positive spectrum, he is learning how not to treat a female, over and over. I do not give him detail, but he knows what is going on inside my head and heart; he has great intuition and can understand the nature of human emotion.

I truly believe that many of us that are raising this generation are help breaking the cycle of miss treatment and also poor relationship habits. He has managed to keep the same beautiful, sweet young lady for over a year, and works at it daily, that is more mature and effort than any man other than he, my father, my brother, and God, have ever put into being a part of my life.

He does not give up, because he experiences many people that give up on he and I, and I am very thankful for that lesson. He is a very emotionally mature young man for his age and I wish there were more of him, my age, hahaha!!

I just hope that people remember, the way you behave and treat people, affects everything in their life, not all of us have the ability to leave the experience behind us before we return home.